My Stay At The Crazy House

Ok, so the last time I updated was a while ago (read: a year), and I'm currently abandoning my usual (lol four posts, TOTALLY usual.) format of why it sucks/is yummy.

My current topic is in relation to my recent mental breakdown, in which I committed myself to a "Behavioral Health Unit", a.k.a. The Crazy House. I was on 72 hour involuntary hold for suicide watch, and I managed to get out early because, as I fervorishly insisted to the psychiatrist, I was not crazy. Anyway, they agreed with me and let me go home, but DEAR FUCKING GOD, that was the single most nerve-wrackingly, mind-numbingly, depressing and boring place I have ever been to in my life. And I was only there for 36 hours.

During my stay at the mental hospital, I learned that there is much important information that they leave out when welcoming you; most of which you will have to discover at your own accord. Fortunately for all you pre-crazies out there, I have written a handy little guide of all the delightful rules you would otherwise be surprised with during your stay.

Rule 1: No running. Running is a severely dangerous activity, though you are not presented with any other obvious means of exercise at the hospital. If you run or walk too quickly, you may bump into your fellow lunatics and bruise their tender egos.

Rule 2: No lights. Bright lights are obviously detrimental for depressed people, as they clearly give them a sense of clarity and freedom, and at the hospital, you are not free. They also give you a sense of false hope, as light makes you feel like maybe the world isn't ending. The exception to the false-hope clause is when a nurse thinks it would be funny to cheer a patient up by telling them they're ok and can go home. This is a great idea, because everybody loves a good joke, and laughter is the best medicine. Except...

Rule 3: No smiling. At least not too much. You see, when you've been committed to a mental hospital, you obviously are here because you might hurt yourself, and if you smile too much, this is a sign you're trying to trick everyone into letting you go, because they think you're happy. Which you are not. That is why you're here. If they wanted you to smile, they would allow you to enjoy yourself, which brings us to...

Rule 4: No having fun. Here at the hospital, you are encouraged to dwell in your depression, as well as wallow in self-pity, because this is all very good for you, even though it seems a hell of a lot worse. If you enjoyed yourself here, you wouldn't want to leave so badly, and that's the best motivation to overcome one's severe personal issues. However, the hospital provides what we like to call a "Fun Simulation", which is provided in the form of broken crayons, bent playing cards, books that remind you you're depressed, and a television that only gets reality shows on it, letting you know how much fun everybody on the outside is having.

Rule 5: No killing yourself with the obvious. As shoes are not allowed because you might hang yourself with the laces, many other completely dangerous everyday objects are also not allowed. Such as spiral notebooks. It should be noted, however, that many of the other objects you will have access to during your stay are what we call "Acceptably Dangerous", such as broken wall panels that stick out in jagged chunks of metal; as well as all of the handles you could hang yourself from using the easily-accessable velcro-hung curtains, because hanging yourself from a windowsill is just silly. Also, just for the fact that it's terribly boring to wheel carts around all day that are labeled "Do Not Leave Unattended In Hallway", it is acceptable for nurses to leave them full of medical supplies in the hallway while they go do something less dreary. Exposed electrical sockets next to the showers are fine, too.

Rule 6: Showering must be done in increments of thirty seconds. Although to some, a shower may seem a relaxing, stress-relieving activity, it simply cannot be tolerated for them to last more than half a minute. After your moments of water, which is preset to a lovely temperature of just a slightly too scalding, you may press the the "on" button again to dispense more water, but only for another thirty seconds. After this time is up, you may again press the button for more water. This way, you are kept on your toes in an environment that may otherwise be upsettingly relaxing. Also, all showers must be completed in the dark, as the staff can't be bothered to install clear shower curtains.

Rule 7: Doctors may attend scheduled visits at their leisure. No doctor is obligated to see a patient on any day they may have scheduled to meet with said patient, even if the topic to be discussed was date of release, which, coincidentally, may also be the same date and time of the appointment. It is also to be noted that there is a certain social stigma for doctors to "Keep Up Appearances", if you will, which currently means to arrive fashionably late. The later a doctor is, the more fashionable he appears to his peers.

Rule 8: If in doubt, tell loved ones the patient has already been discharged. This rule is more for the nurses than the patients. If a loved one calls, and a nurse can't be bothered to type a few letters into a computer, it is fine to just tell them the person they are looking for has already been sent home. That way, the person on the phone is momentarily relieved, and the nurse barely had to lift a finger. Everybody wins.

Rule 9: Medicate first, ask questions later. If you are feeling distress of any sort, you certainly can't be trusted to overcome your emotions in any sort of logical fashion, and it is best to put you on any pills necessary to make sure you don't have to fix your own problem. You see, these problems are much better dealt with at home, where trained guidance counselors are not available for emotional coaching, and sharp objects are again within grasp. Another alternative is to simply get you addicted to said medications, that way, you'll never have to solve your own problems. Why put you through all that needless stress? Side effects are much better.

Rule 10: If you need something, just forget it. As a general rule, it is expected you will have to ask at least four different people eight times each if you need something done, such as correcting the allergies listed on your medical bracelet. The staff upholds a strong belief that these things are best done in the future, because procrastination is the best way to get things done later.

Well, there you have it, folks. Your handy-dandy guide to getting along at the crazy house. I hope my experiences have enlightened you so that when your time to be committed comes, you'll be prepared. Hey, you might even get lucky like I did, and get sent to the clinic with the best reputation in the area. Huzzah.