My Stay At The Crazy House

2009-05-14T23:07:00.000-07:00

Ok, so the last time I updated was a while ago (read: a year), and I'm currently abandoning my usual (lol four posts, TOTALLY usual.) format of why it sucks/is yummy.

My current topic is in relation to my recent mental breakdown, in which I committed myself to a "Behavioral Health Unit", a.k.a. The Crazy House. I was on 72 hour involuntary hold for suicide watch, and I managed to get out early because, as I fervorishly insisted to the psychiatrist, I was not crazy. Anyway, they agreed with me and let me go home, but DEAR FUCKING GOD, that was the single most nerve-wrackingly, mind-numbingly, depressing and boring place I have ever been to in my life. And I was only there for 36 hours.

During my stay at the mental hospital, I learned that there is much important information that they leave out when welcoming you; most of which you will have to discover at your own accord. Fortunately for all you pre-crazies out there, I have written a handy little guide of all the delightful rules you would otherwise be surprised with during your stay.

Rule 1: No running. Running is a severely dangerous activity, though you are not presented with any other obvious means of exercise at the hospital. If you run or walk too quickly, you may bump into your fellow lunatics and bruise their tender egos.

Rule 2: No lights. Bright lights are obviously detrimental for depressed people, as they clearly give them a sense of clarity and freedom, and at the hospital, you are not free. They also give you a sense of false hope, as light makes you feel like maybe the world isn't ending. The exception to the false-hope clause is when a nurse thinks it would be funny to cheer a patient up by telling them they're ok and can go home. This is a great idea, because everybody loves a good joke, and laughter is the best medicine. Except...

Rule 3: No smiling. At least not too much. You see, when you've been committed to a mental hospital, you obviously are here because you might hurt yourself, and if you smile too much, this is a sign you're trying to trick everyone into letting you go, because they think you're happy. Which you are not. That is why you're here. If they wanted you to smile, they would allow you to enjoy yourself, which brings us to...

Rule 4: No having fun. Here at the hospital, you are encouraged to dwell in your depression, as well as wallow in self-pity, because this is all very good for you, even though it seems a hell of a lot worse. If you enjoyed yourself here, you wouldn't want to leave so badly, and that's the best motivation to overcome one's severe personal issues. However, the hospital provides what we like to call a "Fun Simulation", which is provided in the form of broken crayons, bent playing cards, books that remind you you're depressed, and a television that only gets reality shows on it, letting you know how much fun everybody on the outside is having.

Rule 5: No killing yourself with the obvious. As shoes are not allowed because you might hang yourself with the laces, many other completely dangerous everyday objects are also not allowed. Such as spiral notebooks. It should be noted, however, that many of the other objects you will have access to during your stay are what we call "Acceptably Dangerous", such as broken wall panels that stick out in jagged chunks of metal; as well as all of the handles you could hang yourself from using the easily-accessable velcro-hung curtains, because hanging yourself from a windowsill is just silly. Also, just for the fact that it's terribly boring to wheel carts around all day that are labeled "Do Not Leave Unattended In Hallway", it is acceptable for nurses to leave them full of medical supplies in the hallway while they go do something less dreary. Exposed electrical sockets next to the showers are fine, too.

Rule 6: Showering must be done in increments of thirty seconds. Although to some, a shower may seem a relaxing, stress-relieving activity, it simply cannot be tolerated for them to last more than half a minute. After your moments of water, which is preset to a lovely temperature of just a slightly too scalding, you may press the the "on" button again to dispense more water, but only for another thirty seconds. After this time is up, you may again press the button for more water. This way, you are kept on your toes in an environment that may otherwise be upsettingly relaxing. Also, all showers must be completed in the dark, as the staff can't be bothered to install clear shower curtains.

Rule 7: Doctors may attend scheduled visits at their leisure. No doctor is obligated to see a patient on any day they may have scheduled to meet with said patient, even if the topic to be discussed was date of release, which, coincidentally, may also be the same date and time of the appointment. It is also to be noted that there is a certain social stigma for doctors to "Keep Up Appearances", if you will, which currently means to arrive fashionably late. The later a doctor is, the more fashionable he appears to his peers.

Rule 8: If in doubt, tell loved ones the patient has already been discharged. This rule is more for the nurses than the patients. If a loved one calls, and a nurse can't be bothered to type a few letters into a computer, it is fine to just tell them the person they are looking for has already been sent home. That way, the person on the phone is momentarily relieved, and the nurse barely had to lift a finger. Everybody wins.

Rule 9: Medicate first, ask questions later. If you are feeling distress of any sort, you certainly can't be trusted to overcome your emotions in any sort of logical fashion, and it is best to put you on any pills necessary to make sure you don't have to fix your own problem. You see, these problems are much better dealt with at home, where trained guidance counselors are not available for emotional coaching, and sharp objects are again within grasp. Another alternative is to simply get you addicted to said medications, that way, you'll never have to solve your own problems. Why put you through all that needless stress? Side effects are much better.

Rule 10: If you need something, just forget it. As a general rule, it is expected you will have to ask at least four different people eight times each if you need something done, such as correcting the allergies listed on your medical bracelet. The staff upholds a strong belief that these things are best done in the future, because procrastination is the best way to get things done later.

Well, there you have it, folks. Your handy-dandy guide to getting along at the crazy house. I hope my experiences have enlightened you so that when your time to be committed comes, you'll be prepared. Hey, you might even get lucky like I did, and get sent to the clinic with the best reputation in the area. Huzzah.

Tania Derveaux: Why She's Yummy

2008-04-28T02:28:00.000-07:00

It is a rare occasion when I find myself touched by an act of selflessness (most of the time I laugh, then fawn over myself for hours); but today, a lovely young lady by the name of Tania Derveaux has melted my heart.

You see, Tania is performing a service for the greater good of the internets, as well as those who use it: she's deflowering virgins for the sake of Net Neutrality.

That's right. You heard me. Deflowering virgins. Male virgins. That means YOU.

To spread awareness of net neutrality, the sexy Miss Derveaux will be traveling all around to do the nasty with all of the virgins out there that feel they are being suppressed by internet censorship. This also helps spread the understanding of sexual freedom that has become oh-so-taboo in our society. Did I mention she's going to fuck virgins?

Seriously. The level of awesomeness is mindboggling.

Would you like to meet with Tania? Then go ahead and get laid.

Now the real question: Does she swing both ways?

Santa Cruz: Why it Sucks

2008-04-21T04:26:00.000-07:00

For anyone that doesn't know, I live in Santa Cruz, CA. It's not that bad of a place, if you're just a student trying to get through school on your parents' $500K/year income. Unfortunately, that's not me. In fact, I'm very poor. Thus, this place has nothing for me. Now, I could probably list more than four hundred reasons why I'm so fucking sick of Santa Cruz, but I happened to find something that perfectly summed up my exasperation.

Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present the Worst Door Evar:

I was walking down the street, heading to my Sunday karaoke binge, when a sight I had never managed to spot caught my eye. A door. Twenty-five fucking feet above the street. No. Couldn't be. I knew there HAD to be some kind of little walkway I just couldn't see at this angle. So I looked closer.

Oh HELL no. What the fuck were they thinking? Anyway, to get to the point, THIS is the embodiment of what I hate about Santa Cruz: people are satisfied with NOTHING. I don't mean they can't be satisfied, I mean they'll settle for less than par. It's disturbing. This is considered a "nice house" in Santa Cruz, which also happens to be one of the most expensive places to live in America.

See, whoever the fuck managed to screw up badly enough to create the suicide-door probably realized his mistake, then shrugged and carried on with his life. I shouldn't judge, though. Maybe he was courteous enough to hang a "Do Not Enter" sign on the knob. Maybe. That's how much effort there is in the entirety of Santa Cruz.

As for karaoke, it was lovely.

First "official" post

2008-04-18T19:36:00.000-07:00

So I spent about six hours on and off making this blog, and I think I'm really happy with it. I think this will be a miscellaneously-themed blog, sometimes featuring reviews on various things, using my patented* "Why it Sucks/Why it's Yummy" system. As soon as I find something to bitch about/fawn over I'll make sure to put my new system to the test. For now, though, I don't expect to have any more than 200-or-so readers (since I'm just starting up), give or take a hundred.

Perhaps I will find something interesting on digg to blog about...

*not actually patented

Sucks/Yummy

testing

2008-04-18T00:12:00.001-07:00

test

Zaricious

My Stay At The Crazy House

Tania Derveaux: Why She's Yummy

Santa Cruz: Why it Sucks

First "official" post

testing